Movie Review: ’50 Shades’ of kerplunk

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Before going to see the premiere of “50 Shades of Grey,” I had scoured the Internet searching for reviews of the ‘highly anticipated’ movie. Obviously, middle aged women who have never had very open access to this sort of sexual deviance gave it great reviews, but I wanted to hear what writers thought of the film. Cosmo magazine gave it a cringe worthy reviews, stating that the actors who portray Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey (Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan) had no chemistry, which is a must in a film that is 95 percent porn.

If you have not read the world’s most popular erotica, it really doesn’t matter, because it was awful. Aside from the abysmal copy editing, the main character, Steel, was written as a one-dimensional character that could do nothing but lament about her life and always wonder where her underwear was. Grey on the other hand is an abusive control freak, but that’s ok because he was “messed up” from his past so he can get away with it. (Note the sarcasm!) He is into BDSM, which would be fine if it not for the fact that it is horribly misconstrued and promotes harmful stereotypes. Add the fact that they spoke to each other in dialect that best fits ninth graders and you have what is possibly the worst book ever written.

In the movie, Anastasia interviews man-boy Christian in his fancy office ran by beautiful, leggy blondes which makes Ana, our ever demure protagonist, feel even worse about herself. As a side note, I’m pretty sure it is illegal to just hire blondes — that is discrimination, my friend. The whole interview is very awkwardly scripted, actually most of the movie is awkwardly scripted.

A few days after the interview, he shows up at her job, a hardware store, shopping for masking tape, rope and cable ties. At this point, red flags should be going off, every sign of a psychopathic serial killer is clearly there, but no, she goes for him.

At some point they go from intense weird flirting to him telling her that she must stay away from him, because he isn’t good for her. At least he warned her. Which upsets her so much that she decides to drunk call him. (Best scene of the movie by the way.) Christian, of course, plays the knight in a shining armor because that is when her Hispanic friend Jose, a more generic name has never existed, tries to hits on her. From there she becomes fair game because now he cannot stay away from her.

That is when the sex starts, not at that exact moment, but it builds up to him ‘enlightening’ her on his peculiar tastes. This involves a contract and a very steamy business meeting, followed by the reveal of the Red Room. The enlightening doesn’t begin until after he ‘rectifies,’ the fact that she a virgin by just swiftly leading her into the bedroom and taking her virginity. The sex was not as extreme as everyone would have predicted, the last scene where he practically beats her is as extreme as it gets. That’s when she finally tells him how done she with his mood swings and his commandeering.

The movie is basically porn with a plot, because a lot was shown. Also the fact that it was previously Twilight fanfiction is evident not only because of the raining, but because Ana and Christian have an in depth conversation on his sexual life while wandering a forest, if that does not scream Edward Cullen then I do not know what does.

In the book, his family’s presence is more apparent; in the movie it is just Ana and Christian cumbersomely flirting and then having sex. Rita Ora plays his younger sister Mia Grey, for five seconds. I still don’t know what significance she even had.

Adding to the list of things that did not quite make sense, I do not understand how they hired a dominant coach to be on set but not an accent coach. Doman’s Irish accent kept slipping out. He did that thing guys do that they take off their shirts by the collar and they pull it off over their head, Dornan definitely ruined that for me. He did it so much throughout the movie that it ceased to be attractive. Honestly, Dornan just did not seem comfortable with his character.

Johnson on the other hand gave Ana a backbone; she was sassy and even witty at times. She definitely deserves applause for trying to make something out of this train wreck of a movie. If the original Christian Grey had been casted (Charlie Hunnam), she would have looked less ancient.

No matter what the public says, Johnson and Dornan will get a nice paycheck at the end and we will just be left with the horrible recollection that we spent money on a bad movie, based off a bad book.